Three women,two younger,and one senior citizen, were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping
sound.

The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager ,she said. I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young
woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she
explained, “that was my mobile phone ,i have a microchip
in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her
rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at
her.

The older woman finally said……… ” well, will you look
at that… I’m getting a fax ” !!

NOTE: We don’t Actually Recommend doing these steps!!!

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses
on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your
Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask
If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once
Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For
Smuggling Diamonds.’

7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The
Prophecy.’

8 Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with
a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t
Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t
Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling
Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!,
I Won!’

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ……. Therapy

SMART ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John,
seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any
bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMART ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for
you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I
got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ” Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up
for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final
exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in
your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses
whatsoever!” A smart guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your
other hand.”

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

- “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?”

- “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

- “The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It
looks like you have seen a lot of action. ‘Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, – “You know, I hope you don’t take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

- “1955, ma’am.”
Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything
so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, – “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, –
- “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.” (military time)

A three years old is forced to was hands. To which the kid replies, -
- “But I never ever touch any of the germs, honestly!”

An experienced male gynecologist seeks help of a professional
sex therapist, due to sudden loss of interest in own profession.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. While there,
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. He
asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, – “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very
strong and very expensive”.

- “How much?” asked Grandpa?
- “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.
- “I don’t care,” said Grandpa,
- “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put
the money under the pillow.”

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
called Grandpa and said,
- “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
- “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

An old mand in his mid-eighties struggles to get up form the couch
then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected
behavior, asks, – “Where are you going?”
He replies, – “I am going to the doctor.”
She says, – “Why, are you sick?”
He says, – “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of the rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, – “Where the hell are you going?”
She answers, – “I am going to the doctor, too.”
He says, – “Why, what do you need?”
She says, – “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I am getting a tetanus shot!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a
whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight
attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
“Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”