Three women,two younger,and one senior citizen, were
sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping
sound.

The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager ,she said. I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young
woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she
explained, “that was my mobile phone ,i have a microchip
in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her
rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at
her.

The older woman finally said……… ” well, will you look
at that… I’m getting a fax ” !!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

- “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?”

- “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

- “The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It
looks like you have seen a lot of action. ‘Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, – “You know, I hope you don’t take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

- “1955, ma’am.”
Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything
so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, – “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, –
- “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.” (military time)

A three years old is forced to was hands. To which the kid replies, -
- “But I never ever touch any of the germs, honestly!”

An experienced male gynecologist seeks help of a professional
sex therapist, due to sudden loss of interest in own profession.

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. While there,
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. He
asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, – “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very
strong and very expensive”.

- “How much?” asked Grandpa?
- “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.
- “I don’t care,” said Grandpa,
- “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put
the money under the pillow.”

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
called Grandpa and said,
- “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.
- “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

An old mand in his mid-eighties struggles to get up form the couch
then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected
behavior, asks, – “Where are you going?”
He replies, – “I am going to the doctor.”
She says, – “Why, are you sick?”
He says, – “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.”
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of the rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, – “Where the hell are you going?”
She answers, – “I am going to the doctor, too.”
He says, – “Why, what do you need?”
She says, – “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I am getting a tetanus shot!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After
the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a
whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight
attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
“Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Sometimes after manicure, pedicure, facial, getting perfect hair, skin
treatment, and relaxing-bubbling-aromatherapy bath, don’t you just
wish to click “SAVE!?”

Salary raise request:

I, P.Nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Nis

The Response:

Dear P.Nis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place
where he knows her from. So he says, – “Do you know me?” To which she
replies, – “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind
travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says, – “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looks into his eyes
and says calmly, – “No, I’m your son’s teacher!”